The Birthday Blues

Hey Loves!

If you’ve known me for a bit, you know my kids birthdays were like the saddest days ever. I was honestly in mourning. “How did it go so fast? Why did it go so fast? It’s going to fast!” I would lament through sobs. 

And then Jude was born on Christmas and for some reason, that made the birthdays easier. That is, until we were about a month out from James’ 5th birthday and those “birthday blues” starting showing up in full force. I was just about to succumb to them, wallow in my grief and hopefully return back to normalcy one day when I paused and really thought about why it was especially James’ birthday that brought out these emotions and I realized why. 

Nearly my  entire life I’ve been begging people to, “choose me”, “see me” and/or “love me” without ever doing any of those myself, for myself. Then came this human that I grew IN MY BODY that, without me even uttering a word, chose me, saw me and loved me. No lie,  Which brought on another thought, I think his birthdays made me sad because he would soon discover I was a fraud. Yes I read all these books and stalked blogs but I was clueless. I had zero confidence, zero self-love and very little pure joy except that of moments with that sweet baby…who was growing way too fast. 

I always say giving birth to James gave me life because learning to protect and advocate for him was a re-birth. I grew my mama bear spirit and confidence I never had. James gave me life and Jude saved my life because not only did I have another bout of post-partum anxiety but I also had bad post-partum depression after he was born. The kind that was masked by smiles, laughs, cute outfits and showing up playing a role. I would only get out of bed to protect my kids. I didn’t even look in mirrors… until the damn broke. I started counseling, I opened up more and I started eating better and exercising. I started meditating and journaling. 

It made me a better person, a better advocate, a better mom and a better friend to me. I fell in love with myself and wasn’t begging people to give me what I couldn’t give myself anymore. I was showing up for me, finally. 

So, after all that reflection the sadness was gone. He’s not gonna find out I’m a fraud. I hope, if nothing he understands how grateful I am to him for his grace and love. For smiling each morning after I messed up so many days before. I hope he understands the great privilege to having front-row seats to watching me fall in love with myself and know he was the catalyst.  So, yeah, I’m probably still gonna cry. I’m probably still gonna sneak in and watch him sleep one last 5 year-old-sleep but I won’t be sad. I’ll be in awe of how our wonderful journey has taken shape and stay in fervent prayer about future endeavors. 

“ Goodnight you moonlight ladies

Rockabye sweet baby James

Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose

Won’t you let me go down in my dreams

And rockabye sweet baby James”